Humor in Uniform

Murphy's Laws of Combat

1. You are not superman.
2. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
3. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
4. No plan survives the first contact.
5. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
6. The important things are always simple.
7. The simple things are always hard.
8. The easy way is always mined.
9. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
10. Friendly fire - isn't.
11. If enemy is in range, so are you.
12. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
13. Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.
14. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
15. Murphy was a grunt.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.” As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh sir?”

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?", his buddy asked. "Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump." "What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned. "Well the jump sergeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!" "Did you jump?" "Well, a little at first."

In Land Nav course at Basic, someone found a kitten and gave it to the drill sergeant. He took it home and named it “LT” because it was found lost and alone in the woods.